The plane lifted off from the CHC runway in rainy, cold weather, in the darkest hour before sunrise. Three and a half hours later we broke through the scattered cloud cover over Sydney on the northern approach, the sun reflecting brightly off the sea in a way that starkly silhouetted the iconic harbour bridge and opera house in beautiful ways.
And as the plane hit the tarmac again, I felt a familiar excitement rise through me once more—the excitement of Newness, and the promise of a better life that glisten like the sea of the harbour around me.
I’m about to head out to find a bar or restaurant job, which I hope will sustain me for the meantime while I figure out exactly where I’ll be kicking off my massage practice. I have to call a bunch of mining companies in WA to see if they are interested in taking on a contract masseur, and then I’ll be saving up a grand or two to start me off, whether I stay here in Sydney to open a one-man practise, or head across to the outback. There’s also the possibility that I’ll hate Sydney, and shift again, to Melbourne; I know already that I really dig that place.
Sydney, though, I must say, looks good. There are THINGS here, and people whom I know. In fact, I realised a few days ago that I know more people here in Sydney than I do in Christchurch, or even Melbourne. It’s been a delightful surprise to find out that so many of my old friends are kickin’ around in Sydney.
I just finished re-touching my résumé for the umpteenth time this year, and shall now take a walk down to Newtown and then up to Darlinghurst on the hunt for what will be my NINTH job this year.
I had a brilliant conversation with a retired entrepreneur named Bill down at the Christchurch Occupation earlier today.
Max Chubaba (an Indian-born Kiwi), Popx (an English-born Kiwi) and Rob joined us in moving to pin down exactly what it is that the Occupy movement is seeking to achieve, in real terms. When I explained that we were already doing it by engaging each other in this very conversation, he continued by challenging the motivations and philosophies that we have; and, in response, he stimulated us to articulate them in lucid and compelling ways.
One of the things I really appreciated about the exchange was that Bill began by questioning us extensively, not by piling in with his own views and opinions. He was genuinely interested in why we were occupying the space and engaging people in discussion.
Ain't no good reason for poverty in this world.
He asked me what were the issues we were rallying against. I opened with child poverty (one in five children in New Zealand lives in relative poverty). As we explored the reasons for poverty, Bill and I had a solid exchange on “Choice” as a concept; that is, why it appears that we, who are ostensibly self-determining and autonomous human beings who make decisions for ourselves, end up poor, or abusive, or stuck in the state beneficiary system, when instead we can ‘choose’ to do better?
His position was that we are all able to raise ourselves out of poverty, if we simply choose to do the work necessary.
My position in response eventually came down to the observation that even if we do have that choice, we may not be aware of it on a conscious level. If we are raised in an environment that makes us feel worthless, or unsupported, or that simply brain-washes us into taking a place within the societal system and not trying any further, then we are severely handicapped, and that choice has little meaning.
I’m full. Overfull, in fact… I feel as if I contain every emotion that it’s possible to feel, all at the same time. I’ve spent a lot of the last day or so in a free hotel room, writing and journaling and moving with some concentration to make some kind of relative sense out of everything that’s happening, has happened, and is about to happen.
I’m without a job right now, and I’m just about to head down Commercial Drive to canvass the local cafés for work. I only need two or three days a week to cover everything, and really that’s all I need and want, so hopefully it won’t be too difficult. I’ve also signed-up at an office temping agency, so hopefully that will yield a few days work.
Without boring you with too much detail, things in Vancouver (as far as the basics like accommodation and employment go) have not been very successful, ever since I arrived in September last year. It feels like I’m constantly trying to dig sideways and clear a path up to solid ground, and every few feet I get shoved deeper into this hole. In sum, it seems like Vancouver and I are just not resonating very well with each other, at this point in time. I am, simply, not feeling settled at all.
It’s not all bullshit, though—not by any stretch. I have made some amazing friends, plus I’ve been spending quite a lot of high-quality time with an intelligent, gorgeous and delightful woman, who, brilliantly, is named Randi. And, this continuous ‘digging’ has also led me into yet another re-evaluation of where I’m going and what I’m doing with my Life; basically, after feeling kind of stagnant for the last few months, I am once again feeling re-invigorated. Again, without boring you with the introspective details of how I got here, let me break it down for you…
[Cue thoughtful background string music, with montage of biological cellular growth and division]
I don’t mean that I need a specific one, right now; I mean, in general. I need a project towards which to focus my never-ending stream of energy.
Because, if I don’t have something specific to lock-on to at any given time, then I notice something: I tend to lock and focus my energy on to whatever is around at the time. That sometimes means I focus-in on projects that I don’t really own——projects that belong to other people; and, as much as I try not to, I make overtures to usurping their authority… perhaps because I have, momentarily, lost the sense of my authority within my own life, for lack of a project.
Or, I might focus too much on projects that are actually very small. I allow myself to get caught up in activities that really have little meaning or scope, and I end up creating more and more minute (and ultimately inconsequential) details to make the project balloon out into something bigger than it really is, just to occupy my restless soul.
The lesson here is that I need substantial things to be going on in my life. Things to sink my hungry teeth into, transform, create and re-create… and preferably as part of a team. I’ll say “fuck you, I’ll do it myself” if I believe I have to, but I’d still rather combine forces and collaborate.
It also means that if I join a project that belongs to someone else, I’d better have my own things going on besides. In total honesty, I *LOVE* being a part of realising and manifesting someone else’s dreams and visions. I just have to make sure I have the ownership of the project straight within myself.
Very basically, my base-need is for a Channel, through which to offer my service. I need to Give Things to this world and to the people I share it with. I need to feel like I am an active, positively contributing part of Life. I also notice that when I have a couple of lists and plans and can set things further out in time & space, then I can relax in the here and now. When I falter in my organisation is when I begin to get anxious, and then start to search around for something, some idea, some project to grab hold of, and tame like a wild mustang.
A while ago in one of my blog entries I pondered what it is that I’ve been searching for my whole life, with all the different things I’ve seen, done, and been.
It’s just hit me that I’m searching for a Cause. I seek something to Fight for with Passion and a concrete Faith.
I’m searching for a way to give my Life Meaning. Something to “grab” me and sweep me up inside it, something to drive me in a way that will allow me to express the highest version of my self. My search has taken me across the planet, and it’s probably why I have this “overdeveloped sense of responsibility”—because I want to try things out that could be my Cause. I volunteer for organisations and help people around me at the drop of a hat because it’s part of my quest to find a Cause to give my Life a Meaning.
All of us are looking for this. We all want something to fight for, something to believe in. And if we don’t find that focus, we can become directionlessly energetic, often manifesting in aggression, depression, or any number of other “disorders.”
