Anxiety is kind of a new thing for me. Of course I’ve been anxious before, but this new mutation is somehow more persistent, more constant.
It comes from realising just how much potential I have to create things. Along with that realisation comes what feels like an obligation to create those things; and a concurrent fear that if I don’t, I’ll have failed.
Up until a few months ago I had smaller ideas, more manageable ideas, far more achievable ideas. Then I realised that these ideas were not what I truly wanted. So, I enquired of myself, what is it I truly desire?
The resulting answer was of such a large magnitude that I’ve ended up developing this anxiety. What if I can’t do it? What does that mean? Does it make me a failure?
Smaller goals mean more achievement. But a larger goal means a potential Triumph.
Perhaps it’s just because I’m not used to this variety of Big Idea yet. As I kick into it, as I begin it, perhaps it will settle out.
And perhaps, on a different tone, it’s a good thing to have this anxiety, because it Drives me. It gives me a reason to put more effort into allaying it; and thus into getting the work done.
Anxiety as an Engine of Achievement. I kind of like that idea; it gives anxiety a reason for being. And that thought reminds me of something I read a long time ago, I can’t remember where: That it is our ego that allows us to deal with adversity. If not for our ego, telling us that we are important and powerful, we wouldn’t get out of bed in the morning, or believe that we could achieve great things. Ego has a purpose, a reason for being.
So, like ego, too much anxiety is paralysing. A friend recently described anxiety as being that f**ker who sits on your diaphragm and pokes at your guts and stifles your breathing. It’s a feeling, a somatic expression of a psychological state. I think it’s the brain telling the body to slow down, pay attention, try to think of something to do about what’s causing the anxiety.
It also signals distress to people around us. It’s usually pretty easy to tell when someone is stressing out, even if we’re trying to cover it up. And that’s like reaching out, even subconsciously, and that’s a good thing. We all have experiences of when we’re freaking out, and others can offer more balanced, detached advice or support. As distressing as it is, it can also reinforce the connections we have with those around us, by allowing them the opportunity to encourage us. This is not a form of weakness, because it strengthens the connections between us; on a collective level, it makes us stronger.
Anxiety’s a bitch. I say, do what you can to turn it to your advantage. Use it as a driver, an engine for change. And for the love of all that’s Holy, reach out. We do not live in isolation: Fact.
