How Does It Feel To Burn?

I’m full. Overfull, in fact… I feel as if I contain every emotion that it’s possible to feel, all at the same time. I’ve spent a lot of the last day or so in a free hotel room, writing and journaling and moving with some concentration to make some kind of relative sense out of everything that’s happening, has happened, and is about to happen.

I Need a Project

I don’t mean that I need a specific one, right now; I mean, in general. I need a project towards which to focus my never-ending stream of energy.

Because, if I don’t have something specific to lock-on to at any given time, then I notice something: I tend to lock and focus my energy on to whatever is around at the time. That sometimes means I focus-in on projects that I don’t really own——projects that belong to other people; and, as much as I try not to, I make overtures to usurping their authority… perhaps because I have, momentarily, lost the sense of my authority within my own life, for lack of a project.

Or, I might focus too much on projects that are actually very small. I allow myself to get caught up in activities that really have little meaning or scope, and I end up creating more and more minute (and ultimately inconsequential) details to make the project balloon out into something bigger than it really is, just to occupy my restless soul.

The lesson here is that I need substantial things to be going on in my life. Things to sink my hungry teeth into, transform, create and re-create… and preferably as part of a team. I’ll say “fuck you, I’ll do it myself” if I believe I have to, but I’d still rather combine forces and collaborate.

It also means that if I join a project that belongs to someone else, I’d better have my own things going on besides. In total honesty, I *LOVE* being a part of realising and manifesting someone else’s dreams and visions. I just have to make sure I have the ownership of the project straight within myself.

Very basically, my base-need is for a Channel, through which to offer my service. I need to Give Things to this world and to the people I share it with. I need to feel like I am an active, positively contributing part of Life. I also notice that when I have a couple of lists and plans and can set things further out in time & space, then I can relax in the here and now. When I falter in my organisation is when I begin to get anxious, and then start to search around for something, some idea, some project to grab hold of, and tame like a wild mustang.

I am the Project Mercenary.

Good Grief

A man walks down the street, hands in his pockets. He is aware of all the other people, his brothers and sisters, sharing with him the pavement and the oxygen and the light. He recognises his connection to all things and people and animals and plants—his connection to the whole world.

He looks ahead, his eyes instinctively navigating the sidewalk, while his concentration is far away in space and time, thinking, sensing, analysing his own feelings and responses and comparing them to the responses and apparent feelings of others, seeing how they fit together and relate to each other. Slowly, he begins to find order in the apparent chaos. He finds many possibilities and probabilities, and allows them all to have validity. He also knows that none of them may end up as the reality, and none of the outcomes he predicts may come true at all, and he accepts that, too. He simply feels better about having given things some conscious attention.

He runs again through his shopping list to see if there is anything he may have forgotten. There is a momentary turn of fear in his belly as he imagines forgetting a key ingredient for tomorrow’s dinner. Then he reminds himself that if he forgets something, then he is creative enough to cover it up. In fact, it may just turn out to be an opportunity to create something new and interesting. He comforts himself by this coverage of all the possibilities.

He turns a corner onto a busier street with a wider sidewalk, and a strong wind catches his breath in his mouth, making him swallow. He thinks about things he has done in the past, and what he has learned from those experiences, and what he will do better in future. He thinks about neglected opportunities and poor choices, and he chides himself for his moments of meandering stupidity or laziness. Momentarily, he frowns at himself. On the street, perhaps someone sees him and wonders at the frown; perhaps not.

He remembers that his mistakes and neglected chances are not just his; they are everyone’s. The opportunities he misses to create and give something to the world are a net-loss. There is a pang of shame and guilt at this thought, and a resultant fear of future chances being missed due to his oversight, distraction or inaction. Really, he fears not having the courage to recognise good opportunities when they present themselves, and to act decisively upon them. This is a fear that dogs him, and has done for his whole life, despite that life being filled with many decisive actions and boundless creativity. And somehow he believes it is not enough; that he is not good enough. He feels as if he has lacked any solid direction, and even as he has done and seen and been part of many wonderous things, that he has not yet Mastered anything and created something Worthy of that. He demands more from himself, and steels his resolve to take more chances; to be alert to more opportunities; to give more to the world… and to feel worthy. Worthy of what? Worthy of love, of course. Worthy of recognition, and acceptance.

Mixing My Perception, part II

Honest, I am writing more meaty and irreverent musings on the human condition. Honest. And I know you’re all gagging for it (sarcasm), but I’m being more picky with how they sound and feel before I publish them. I have posts about The Future; Anxiety; and Right & Wrong on the board. Hang tight, I’ll get ‘em done soon enough.

For now, here’s another DJ mix I’ve recorded. For the most part, I’m fairly pleased with it, right up until 39 minutes when I try to drop a chunky, bass-heavy breaks tune in on top of a more fuzzy tech house track. Yeah, not so sharp. The two tracks could be mixed properly, but… well, not the way I did it.  :)
But other than that, it sounds… okay. And that chunky tune (Bleachin’ by Bleachin’, from the rise-and-fall-and-fall-further-storybook-of-a-club-lifestyle-junkie album Everyone Loves You, Everything’s Free) is just so good that I’m just going to not care about it — for now, anyway.

The funky 4/4 bass-line of tech house is definitely easier to mix than a lot of other genres (like breakbeat for example; I’ve recorded heaps of breaks mixes and they’re all f**ked), and IMHO there are some pretty frikken tight moments towards the end of this mix. I might have rocked the effects a bit too often, but hey, I’m just messin’ around.

I’m having more and more fun learning to mix, and the technicalities of when to drop bass, mid and treble are becoming more familiar; as is the timing for when to bring in the next tune. I’m acutely conscious that Kiwiburn is bearing down upon us (yippee!) and I hope to have the breaks mixing down-pat by then. It’s nut-down, ass-up until then.

All comments & critique is fully welcome. Hope you like it; I’ll post more as I record them.

Perception – Tech House Mix 02 (3rd January 2010)

Seen, Done, Been

I’ve had it said to me a few times, with incredulous expressions, “cripes! You’ve done everything!”

Of course, it doesn’t feel that way to me. One life, it seems, is not enough… there is too much to learn; too much to experience and become. It gets overwhelming sometimes, thinking about the uncountable things that I want, sometimes desperately, to do or achieve within my time here. We all search for Meaning in  our lives, but for me I see so much Potential, so many options that, now and then, it freaks me out a little.

It’s one of the prime motivators for me to Go Places and Do Things, and for me to put so much effort into analysing and understanding everything that happens. It’s why I crave questions and fervently seek their answers. It’s why I often find myself heaped-over with projects and commitments — because I see something that looks interesting, challenging, fun, rewarding— and immediately I want to do it, to feel it, to be it. Often I find myself in too deep too quickly, and I balk. Other times I’m frustrated and bored because I end up committed to something that isn’t as rewarding as I’d hoped. And (probably too) often I notice something that quite simply Needs Doing, and my overdeveloped sense of responsibility kicks in; but that’s not really the best reason to do something, now, is it?

With my recent acknowledgement of What I Want To Do With My Life, I’ve begun to wonder if there really is as much of a pattern to my journey so far as I want to believe. So, here’s the list of all the things I’ve seen, and done, and been. See what you can make out:

Lessons and Learnings

If you’ve been following my entries so far, you’ll know what a tumultuous period of intense learning and deeply centred transformations I’m going through.

I’m going to begin psychotherapy. I went to see a counsellor about two months ago, and that one session was brilliant. Right now, I have all these realisations and thoughts and emotions swirling around inside my head and body, and I’m not entirely sure how they all fit together. I feel like I’m reconfiguring who I am—still very much the same person, but a new version; a shifted arrangement. I’m moving the mental furniture about, and the illumination coming in the windows is on a different wavelength.  So, I’m going to ask the counsellor to recommend a good (probably male) psychotherapist.